Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next