@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

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@Gupton68

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

@AlexvanBeek

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

@_wendyb07

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

@AndyRichter

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

@TrophyCatas

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

@causticbob

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@Wtftab

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.