Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

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What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?


Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”


Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.


Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music


When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.


What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.


Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?


I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.