next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I have questions??
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.