Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
You Might Also Like
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
new shirt idea
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.