Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Where is your GOD now????
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”