Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all