Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

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I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”


wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about


Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.


They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.


My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.


Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”


i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”


I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.


We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.