Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.