Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
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Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet