Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s