Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
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we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.