Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Snapes on a plane.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I love the honesty
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam