Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.