@PyJamieParty
@TwiceTheHops This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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@TwiceTheHops 
@semple42 I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
@audipenny Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
@BigJDubz Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
@robdelaney 4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
@dafloydsta [marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
@JediGigi Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
@Velocycrator Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
@Michael1979 Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
@atshower Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?