Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
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GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals