“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You Might Also Like
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
True statement👍😏😁
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall