Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
not seeing the problem
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?