Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out


My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.


It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.


I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.


I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.


me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken


Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry


One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.


Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.