@thetits

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

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@Chinchillazllla

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@Phlegmingway

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

@RickAaron

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

@outsmartedmommy

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

@ghostkrogh

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

@SamanthaaaReece

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

@FattMernandez

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

@MichaelTrying

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.