@Chinchillazllla oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
@thetits Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
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@Chinchillazllla 
@aveuaskew My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
@Phlegmingway It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
@KevinFarzad To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
@RickAaron I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
@outsmartedmommy I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
@ghostkrogh me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
@SamanthaaaReece Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
@FattMernandez One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
@MichaelTrying Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.