@living_marble Was it something I said?
@thetits Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
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@living_marble 
@TheAlexNevil “The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
@RealSudoNim I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
@kimmie_1980 If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
@GrantTanaka *pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
@causticbob Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
@better_off_dad2 ‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
@UncleDuke1969 “Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
@RickAaron Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
@abbycohenwl In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale