@thetits

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

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@TheAlexNevil

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@kimmie_1980

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

@GrantTanaka

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

@causticbob

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

@RickAaron

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

@abbycohenwl

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale