Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”


I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.


If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.


*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out


Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.


“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”


Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.


In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale