Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
titanic
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one