Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Oh boy, $150,000!

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!