Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
good morning
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.