Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.


Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*


settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids


I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.


Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”


I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me


I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.


I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.


“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]