Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]