Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
You Might Also Like
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?