Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
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This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now