Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.