Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?