NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
the red hot silly peppers
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.