Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
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By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
smartest karate player in the world
look scared
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.