Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”