Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel