Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
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I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.