Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Des Moines Police having a normal one
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad