Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 馃槍馃挱
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
it鈥檚 amazing when it鈥檚 ur birthday 馃檪 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
michael jordan鈥檚 parents really named him after a shoe
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it鈥檚 not butter.’ We鈥檙e sick of your shit, Bob.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights