Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*