Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.