Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
You Might Also Like
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.