Nice try, poison.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them