Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Hot Panini is in big trouble
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.