Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Not all heroes wear capes.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy