Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
brian had himself a morning…
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.