NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that