Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

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Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.


Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win


Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?


You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.


Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?


Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.


Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.


My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways