Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
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I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
😂🤣😂🤣
それは草
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know