Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Today’s Times
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit