nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
You’re the water to my grease fire.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis