Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
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Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Home is where your toilet is.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant