@007Pepe_Rex

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

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@QwertyJones3

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

@3sunzzz

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

@causticbob

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

@krisv_723

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

@fro_vo

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

@envydatropic

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

@_Mo_lee_

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters