Nigella has gone too far this time.
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Very good! 👍😂
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!