*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
lmao
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
yeet
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own