[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Last-minute gift idea!
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.