Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
You Might Also Like
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
British websites use biscuits.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.