Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
When I snag the last meatball.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.