Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I only treason on days ending in y
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.