Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
You Might Also Like
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Muppet Screams
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.