Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you