Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
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It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
i think both sides are to blame here
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359